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Christopher Titus Quotes

Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is - Funny Quotes
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary - Work Quotes
You had me at hello - Love Quotes
I meant to behave but there were too many other options - Funny Quotes
Having you in my life made everything better - Love Quotes
I told you I'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour - Funny Quotes
You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely - Love Quotes
When we first met, i had no idea you would be so important to me - Love Quotes
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Text Quotes
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that’s what a soul weighs  (Christopher Titus Quotes) I don’t believe there should ever be abortion in the womb, but I do believe once that kid is born, there should be a 22 year late term abortion window  (Christopher Titus Quotes) You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Born free. Taxed to death.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh  (Christopher Titus Quotes) God bless America. But God, please help Canada.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation  (Christopher Titus Quotes) I don’t fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn’t work.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure  (Christopher Titus Quotes) If at first you don’t succeed, then drag racing isn’t for you  (Christopher Titus Quotes) The normal make a living. The deranged make history  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Sometimes, to help the people you love, you’ve gotta commit a felony  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We’re not losers.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...  (Christopher Titus Quotes) We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn’t a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren’t dysfunctional, we couldn’t function.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don’t give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That’s in the Bible.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he’s not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He’s thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she’s like, Way, you know, there’s enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum’s mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork ‘cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How’s the baby?  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you’re not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we’ll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can’t keep having them!  (Christopher Titus Quotes) My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn’t mind.  (Christopher Titus Quotes)
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