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Christopher Titus Quotes

Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies Picture Quote #1

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink Picture Quote #1

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn’t mind Picture Quote #1

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo Picture Quote #1

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we’ll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can’t keep having them! Picture Quote #1

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you’re not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum Picture Quote #1

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My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum’s mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork ‘cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How’s the baby? Picture Quote #1

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon Picture Quote #1

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat Picture Quote #1

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you’re normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you’re deranged, the crowd will make you their leader Picture Quote #1

If you want something bad enough, you’ve got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard Picture Quote #1

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium Picture Quote #1

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Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don’t want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that’s definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball Picture Quote #1

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn’t die? Picture Quote #1

All of Dad’s relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn Picture Quote #1

Divorce is just about change, you know. It’s God saying, You need a change. And I’m going to make it so your bank account only has change Picture Quote #1

Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant Picture Quote #1

Whenever you’re pissed off, just remember that it’s better than being pissed on Picture Quote #1

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My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! Picture Quote #1

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, ‘cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead Picture Quote #1

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis Picture Quote #1

No problem is so big and difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else Picture Quote #1

Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle’s 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die? Picture Quote #1

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he’s too big to eat Picture Quote #1

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The day I’m in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn’t happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman Picture Quote #1

Obama says he’s bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program Picture Quote #1

Nobody’s really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can’t trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder! Picture Quote #1

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who’s the best man now? Picture Quote #1

My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he’d take it ‘cos he was dying. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, ‘cos he does. It’s just that special kind of love that feels like neglect Picture Quote #1

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she’s happy, you’re happy. And when she’s angry, you can still choose to be happy, ‘cos, what’s her deal ? You know, I’m happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I’m getting all mad. I hope she’s happy. Happy Valentines Day Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies. (Christopher Titus Quotes) In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink (Christopher Titus Quotes) Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn’t mind. (Christopher Titus Quotes) My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we’ll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can’t keep having them! (Christopher Titus Quotes) Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you’re not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum. (Christopher Titus Quotes) My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum’s mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork ‘cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How’s the baby? (Christopher Titus Quotes) I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat (Christopher Titus Quotes) Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you’re normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you’re deranged, the crowd will make you their leader (Christopher Titus Quotes) If you want something bad enough, you’ve got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard. (Christopher Titus Quotes) My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don’t want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that’s definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn’t die? (Christopher Titus Quotes) All of Dad’s relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Divorce is just about change, you know. It’s God saying, You need a change. And I’m going to make it so your bank account only has change. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Whenever you’re pissed off, just remember that it’s better than being pissed on (Christopher Titus Quotes) My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! (Christopher Titus Quotes) Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, ‘cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead. (Christopher Titus Quotes) At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis. (Christopher Titus Quotes) No problem is so big and difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else (Christopher Titus Quotes) Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle’s 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die? (Christopher Titus Quotes) A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he’s too big to eat. (Christopher Titus Quotes) The day I’m in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn’t happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Obama says he’s bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Nobody’s really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can’t trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder! (Christopher Titus Quotes) My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who’s the best man now? (Christopher Titus Quotes) My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he’d take it ‘cos he was dying. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, ‘cos he does. It’s just that special kind of love that feels like neglect. (Christopher Titus Quotes) Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she’s happy, you’re happy. And when she’s angry, you can still choose to be happy, ‘cos, what’s her deal ? You know, I’m happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I’m getting all mad. I hope she’s happy. Happy Valentines Day. (Christopher Titus Quotes)

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