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Christopher Titus Quotes

When we first met, i had no idea you would be so important to me
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A true friend is someone who accepts your past, supports your present and encourages your future
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why
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The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary
Men go shopping to buy what they need. Women go shopping to find out what they want
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Dogs teach us a lot of things but none more important than to love unconditionally
I like me a little bit more when i'm with you
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Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is
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Text Quotes
I don’t believe there should ever be abortion in the womb, but I do believe once that kid is born, there should be a 22 year late term abortion window  (Christopher Titus Quotes) I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that’s what a soul weighs  (Christopher Titus Quotes) You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Born free. Taxed to death.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!  (Christopher Titus Quotes) God bless America. But God, please help Canada.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh  (Christopher Titus Quotes) I don’t fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn’t work.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure  (Christopher Titus Quotes) The normal make a living. The deranged make history  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Sometimes, to help the people you love, you’ve gotta commit a felony  (Christopher Titus Quotes) If at first you don’t succeed, then drag racing isn’t for you  (Christopher Titus Quotes) In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We’re not losers.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...  (Christopher Titus Quotes) We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren’t dysfunctional, we couldn’t function.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don’t give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That’s in the Bible.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Lady, if you laugh and you don’t make a noise, you’re a shaker, and it’s freaking me out.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn’t a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he’s not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He’s thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she’s like, Way, you know, there’s enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!  (Christopher Titus Quotes) The government favors the most diplomatic language. That’s why any letter to them should always start with, Dear turkeys and foul maggots...  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.  (Christopher Titus Quotes) Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That’s why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country’s history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It’s a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.  (Christopher Titus Quotes)
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