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Chelsea Handler Quotes

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them Picture Quote #1

Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle Picture Quote #1

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers Picture Quote #1

That’s Al Qaeda’s new plan: to destroy America one period at a time Picture Quote #1

I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don’t have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities Picture Quote #1

I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little Picture Quote #1

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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding Picture Quote #1

I think it’s important to be involved with charities that don’t necessarily reflect what you’re dealing with in your life Picture Quote #1

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men Picture Quote #1

There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers Picture Quote #1

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home Picture Quote #1

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order Picture Quote #1

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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking Picture Quote #1

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, ‘I’m a very good friend.’ Picture Quote #1

I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking Picture Quote #1

Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says ‘yes.’ Picture Quote #1

Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you’re a stand-up comedian so they’re always looking for somebody funny to host an event Picture Quote #1

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life Picture Quote #1

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That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time Picture Quote #1

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq Picture Quote #1

I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little Picture Quote #1

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day Picture Quote #1

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive Picture Quote #1

Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle Picture Quote #1

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According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie Picture Quote #1

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth Picture Quote #1

I’ve never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost Picture Quote #1

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn’t a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties Picture Quote #1

I think it’s important to be authentic to who you are, and if you’re inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away Picture Quote #1

You should never be mean to other girls. I don’t care what grade you’re in. Be nice to people until you’re my age... and you have your own TV show Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers (Chelsea Handler Quotes) That’s Al Qaeda’s new plan: to destroy America one period at a time (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don’t have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I think it’s important to be involved with charities that don’t necessarily reflect what you’re dealing with in your life (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men (Chelsea Handler Quotes) There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order (Chelsea Handler Quotes) My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking (Chelsea Handler Quotes) It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, ‘I’m a very good friend.’ (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says ‘yes.’ (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you’re a stand-up comedian so they’re always looking for somebody funny to host an event (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life (Chelsea Handler Quotes) That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I’ve never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn’t a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) I think it’s important to be authentic to who you are, and if you’re inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away. (Chelsea Handler Quotes) You should never be mean to other girls. I don’t care what grade you’re in. Be nice to people until you’re my age... and you have your own TV show. (Chelsea Handler Quotes)

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