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Bill Engvall Quotes

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? Picture Quote #1

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships Picture Quote #1

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? Picture Quote #1

I’m a blue collar guy Picture Quote #1

I’ve learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains Picture Quote #1

Europe has such an expansive history Picture Quote #1

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I am feeling older every day Picture Quote #1

I love playing the bitter guy Picture Quote #1

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they’d be in Picture Quote #1

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family Picture Quote #1

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear God you should listen to it played on a lute Picture Quote #1

It’s funny: people who meet me say, ‘I thought you’d be different.’ But I’m still the same guy Picture Quote #1

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I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role Picture Quote #1

My goal is for ‘The Bill Engvall Show’ to be a show the networks look at and say, ‘Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.’ Picture Quote #1

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards Picture Quote #1

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that Picture Quote #1

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign Picture Quote #1

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color Picture Quote #1

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There’s a reason God didn’t give me this success in my 20s, because I’d have blown it Picture Quote #1

I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power Picture Quote #1

There’s a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment Picture Quote #1

I’d like to see the Amazon rainforests before they’re all gone, and also the Galapagos - that’s another one I’d like to do. I’d love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I’d like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises Picture Quote #1

If you’re just a nice guy - you don’t let people walk on you - but if you’re just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen Picture Quote #1

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads Picture Quote #1

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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign! Picture Quote #1

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign Picture Quote #1

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It’s all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice Picture Quote #1

There’s a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That’s like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper Picture Quote #1

Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket Picture Quote #1

I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference. Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’ Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? (Bill Engvall Quotes) In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships (Bill Engvall Quotes) When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? (Bill Engvall Quotes) I’m a blue collar guy (Bill Engvall Quotes) I’ve learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains (Bill Engvall Quotes) Europe has such an expansive history (Bill Engvall Quotes) I am feeling older every day (Bill Engvall Quotes) I love playing the bitter guy (Bill Engvall Quotes) People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they’d be in (Bill Engvall Quotes) In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family. (Bill Engvall Quotes) If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear God you should listen to it played on a lute. (Bill Engvall Quotes) It’s funny: people who meet me say, ‘I thought you’d be different.’ But I’m still the same guy. (Bill Engvall Quotes) I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role. (Bill Engvall Quotes) My goal is for ‘The Bill Engvall Show’ to be a show the networks look at and say, ‘Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.’ (Bill Engvall Quotes) I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. (Bill Engvall Quotes) I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that. (Bill Engvall Quotes) Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign. (Bill Engvall Quotes) I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color. (Bill Engvall Quotes) There’s a reason God didn’t give me this success in my 20s, because I’d have blown it (Bill Engvall Quotes) I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power. (Bill Engvall Quotes) There’s a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment. (Bill Engvall Quotes) I’d like to see the Amazon rainforests before they’re all gone, and also the Galapagos - that’s another one I’d like to do. I’d love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I’d like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises. (Bill Engvall Quotes) If you’re just a nice guy - you don’t let people walk on you - but if you’re just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. (Bill Engvall Quotes) I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads. (Bill Engvall Quotes) I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign! (Bill Engvall Quotes) It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign. (Bill Engvall Quotes) To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It’s all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice. (Bill Engvall Quotes) There’s a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That’s like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper (Bill Engvall Quotes) Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket (Bill Engvall Quotes) I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference. Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’ (Bill Engvall Quotes)

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