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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I’ll be very busy, which is all I need Picture Quote #1

The opposite of sad is down’s syndrome Picture Quote #1

Child molesters must all think they’ve got huge dicks Picture Quote #1

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin Picture Quote #1

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs Picture Quote #1

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Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst Picture Quote #1

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic Picture Quote #1

I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight Picture Quote #1

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh Picture Quote #1

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them. It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny? Picture Quote #1

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Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer Picture Quote #1

I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time Picture Quote #1

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it Picture Quote #1

I don’t get back as much as I’d like to, so I don’t have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I’ll bleed black and gold until I die Picture Quote #1

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and ‘I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family,’ but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release Picture Quote #1

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With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference Picture Quote #1

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands Picture Quote #1

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom’s funeral, while I was asleep Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces Picture Quote #1

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can’t even enjoy it Picture Quote #1

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I’m getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period. And she’s already 14 Picture Quote #1

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend Picture Quote #1

The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower Picture Quote #1

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment Picture Quote #1

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’ Picture Quote #1

My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she’s ever going to be good at golf Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I’ll be very busy, which is all I need (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) The opposite of sad is down’s syndrome (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Child molesters must all think they’ve got huge dicks (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them. It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny? (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I don’t get back as much as I’d like to, so I don’t have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I’ll bleed black and gold until I die. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and ‘I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family,’ but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom’s funeral, while I was asleep. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend is Jewish. But it’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can’t even enjoy it. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’m getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period. And she’s already 14. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’ (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she’s ever going to be good at golf. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes)

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